Mutual masturbation: What it is, how to talk about it, and how to try it together

Mutual masturbation is when partners masturbate themselves or each other at the same time, in the same space or over video or phone. It's a low-pressure way to build intimacy, learn what actually feels good for each of you, and stay connected without penetrative sex being the only option.

Couples who communicate openly about sex report higher sexual and relationship satisfaction (Mallory, 2022; Yoo et al., 2014). It's also generally lower-risk than penetrative sex for pregnancy and most sexually transmitted infections (STIs), as long as you don't touch each other, though it isn't risk-free.

This guide covers how it works, how to bring it up, and how to actually do it.

What is mutual masturbation?

Mutual masturbation means masturbating yourselves in front of each other, or masturbating each other, at the same time.

The first version is masturbating yourselves in front of each other. Neither of you touches the other person. You're each doing what already works for you, in the same space, while your partner watches.

The second version is masturbating each other, using your hands or a toy on your partner's body instead of your own. Some couples call this “hand sex.”

Neither version has to look one specific way. Couples often mix both in the same session. What makes it mutual masturbation is that you're both present and both getting something out of it, together, rather than just masturbating near each other.

The benefits of mutual masturbation for couples

Mutual masturbation might help build trust and communication, takes pressure off penetrative sex, and closes the orgasm gap by letting partners show each other directly what feels good.

The orgasm gap is real. About 95% of women can orgasm through masturbation (Shirazi et al., 2017; Kinsey et al., 1953), whereas only about 65% of heterosexual women usually-to-always orgasm with a partner (Frederick et al., 2018). That gap might come down to biological as well as sociocultural reasons, and mutual masturbation can help close it by giving partners a way to show each other what works. A woman can guide her partner's hand to reproduce exactly what already works solo.

Guiding your partner's hand, or letting them watch your own rhythm, shows them exactly what feels good in real time. Studies suggest that couples who communicate openly about sex tend to report greater sexual satisfaction, and sexual communication is also associated with greater relationship satisfaction (Mallory, 2022; Yoo et al., 2014).

Mutual masturbation also takes pressure off penetrative sex being the main event. There's no goal to hit and no finish line that only counts one way. It's just two people paying attention to each other and what actually feels good.

If you want to sharpen your own solo technique first before bringing a partner in, Mojo's guide to mindful masturbation is a good place to start.

If closing the orgasm gap is what you want structured help with, Find Your Orgasm is Mojo's program built around exactly that.

Is mutual masturbation safe?

Mutual masturbation can be one of the lower-risk sexual activities if you don't touch each other, but touching, fluids, or shared toys change that risk.

Pregnancy is possible if sperm-containing fluid reaches the vagina. Pre-ejaculate (“precum”) can contain sperm, so pregnancy is possible even without ejaculation touching the vulva or vagina. This can happen if pre-ejaculate or semen gets onto the vulva or vaginal opening, or is transferred there on fingers or a toy. For many STIs, keeping fluid exchange out of the picture cuts your exposure a lot. The CDC recommends masturbating together “at a distance, without touching” as one way to reduce mpox exposure during outbreaks specifically (CDC, 2023).

Skin-to-skin contact still carries some risk. Infections like herpes and HPV can spread through skin contact alone, with no fluid exchange needed. STIs are usually spread during vaginal, oral, or anal sex, but sometimes they can spread through other sexual contact involving the penis, vagina, mouth, or anus (MedlinePlus). If hands move between genitals, or a toy gets shared without cleaning between partners, fluid-borne STIs are still possible too.

Treat mutual masturbation like any sexual activity. Know your and your partner's STI status, wash hands and toys between uses, avoid touching each other to keep it as low-risk as possible, and skip it if either of you has an active outbreak or knows about an infection even without symptoms.

How to bring it up with your partner

Start with a specific, low-stakes observation instead of a big, loaded conversation.

The easiest opening is a specific comment in the moment: “I'd love to show you what feels good for me.” That's it. You don't need to announce that you're trying mutual masturbation or explain why.

If a bigger conversation feels right first, keep it concrete. Talk about what you already enjoy, what you're curious about, and what you'd want to see or feel from each other. Vague questions like “are you happy with our sex life?” tend to get vague answers. Specific ones get you somewhere.

Showing a partner what works is linked to higher satisfaction. Mutual masturbation gives you a low-stakes way to practice it.

Sensate focus: the technique behind mutual masturbation

Sensate focus is a structured, non-penetrative touching technique developed by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s to reduce performance pressure. Mutual masturbation borrows the same idea: focus on the sensation, not the goal.

Sensate focus is still taught in modern sex therapy (Weiner & Avery-Clark, 2014). It asks partners to touch each other, or themselves, with no goal beyond noticing what the touch feels like. Orgasm and performance aren't the point.

Mutual masturbation isn't sensate focus itself, which is a structured therapeutic technique, but it can carry the same sensation-over-performance emphasis even when nobody calls it that. When you're masturbating yourself or your partner, there's no pressure to perform a particular move or hit a particular outcome. The point is sensation, not achievement.

That shift matters for men working on performance pressure too. A lot of sexual anxiety comes from treating sex as something to get right rather than something to feel. Mojo's piece on death grip syndrome covers the same non-goal-oriented idea from the solo side, for men who've lost sensitivity to a specific, high-pressure grip.

How to do mutual masturbation together

Set the mood, agree on how much you'll touch each other versus just yourselves, and treat it as showing each other your own preferred rhythm and pressure.

There's no single right way to do this. A few starting points make it easier the first time.

Setting the scene

Pick a time when neither of you is rushed or distracted. Turn the lights down if that helps you relax, not because dim lighting is required. Agree upfront, even loosely, on whether you're touching yourselves, touching each other, or both. That one conversation removes most of the awkwardness before it starts.

What to say (and what not to worry about saying)

You don't need a script. “Slower.” “Right there.” “Like that” carries more information than most people give it credit for. Sounds count too. You don't need to narrate constantly, and you don't need to stay silent to seem cool about it. Awkward laughter is fine. It usually means you're both relaxed enough to be a little silly, and that's a good sign.

Ways to try it: in person vs. over video or phone

Mutual masturbation works in person or at a distance, and each format needs a slightly different setup.

Getting past the awkwardness

Awkwardness is normal and usually fades with a little practice and a lot less pressure than penetrative sex carries. Treat it as a skill, not a test.

It probably will feel awkward the first time. Watching yourself be watched is a strange sensation if you've never done it before. So is masturbating with someone else's eyes on your hand instead of your own. Give it more than one attempt before deciding it isn't for you.

Some couples make mutual masturbation a regular part of their sex life alongside penetrative sex. Others use it as a way to build more shared, embodied intimacy alongside, or instead of, solo porn use. If porn has become the default and you're curious what's driving that, this piece on porn and erectile dysfunction breaks down the science, and Break Free From Porn, built with Silva Neves, works through it without shame. If you're worried about your sexual behavior, a provider can help you sort through what's going on and talk through next steps.